Fat Jokes and Humour

You know you need to do something about your weight when you board an airplane and the flight attendant designates your pot belly as carry-on luggage. I knew I had a problem when I started having to wear control-top turtlenecks.

You know it's time to skip a round when you're holding your bowling ball, and you look down and you can't see it!

If God had wanted us to run, instead of a belly button, He'd have given us a fast-forward button.

I'm no couch potato. I'm a recliner potato.

My diet's working. I stepped on my talking bathroom scales last night and for the first time ever they didn't scream that I was too fat. They did mention in passing that my feet smelled.

I'm not fat. It's just that my body naturally retains chimichangas.

I have no idea how much I weigh because I can't weigh naked. Without my glasses I can't see the scale.

I've really put on weight. I've gone from pinch-an-inch to rub-a-tub.

I'm already two years ahead on my daily fat allowance. I'm looking for skinny people to see if I can borrow theirs.

A Blonde's Diet

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

Special Coffeecake

An overweight business associate of mine decided it was time to shed some excess pounds. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery. One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic coffeecake. We all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

"This is a very special coffeecake," he explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious coffeecakes, let me have a parking place directly in
front of the bakery', and sure enough," he continued, "the eighth time around the block, there it was!"

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